The cheese board: a civilised party occasion for your guests, or a solo-indulgence for one you don’t tell your friends about.
It may be a slightly far stretch of the imagination to say there’s an art to creating the perfect one – apologies to any turophile readers, or self-professed cheese board artists – but there certainly is a sliding scale with forgettable at one end and fantastic at the other. Read on for cheese board ideas and how to top the scale every time.
The cheese
Aim for a variety of textures and flavours. There are, however, two schools of thought on the cheeses you should be procuring. Some say that too many varieties confuse the pallet, and that you should get two of the same kind if you’re catering for a larger group, opting for a maximum of four to five different types of cheese. Others contest this however, declaring that a smorgasbord assortment of many different cheeses will help to cater for the myriad of preferences of a larger – and therefore inevitably fussier – party. At the very least, the going wisdom suggests the best cheeses for a cheese board are a soft cheese, a hard cheese, a blue cheese, and a goat’s cheese.
For the vegans among our readers (that are curiously reading an article about cheese), or those with plant-based pals, rejoice. We’re increasingly seeing high-quality vegan cheeses or ‘fauxmage’ creeping onto market stalls. Created using traditional cheesemaking techniques and live cultures, there are certain vegan cheeses that are, dare we say it, even as good as dairy cheeses. So no one need miss out. This marks a fabulous U-turn away from the disturbingly rubbery and flavourless options we have so far seen haunting our supermarket shelves.
The sides
First thing’s first: keep your bread, crackers, preserves, meat, fruits, and pickles separate. The cheese is the main event and should be framed as such, headlining alone on the main stage for all to admire. Next, for the same reason, try not to overload on the sides. Use your crockery to present them, especially the wetter foods like pickles that can leak brine across your board. Trust us, nobody enjoys a soggy camembert.
By all means, do create a lavishly decorated spread using the sides. This article’s intention isn’t to plug the flowing of your creative juices. Just make sure they’re serving the board’s protagonists. Your sides should improve the guests’ experience of eating the cheeses, so consider this when choosing them. The planes of thought concern texture, colour, and of course, flavour. Bread with treacly fruit baked into it can pair beautifully with a Bleu d'Auvergne, for example. Or if you’re serving something with a softer texture, include a crunchy side like a cornichon. We advise offering both bread and crackers to keep the gluten free and the ‘gluten please’ camps happy.
Finally, avoid pointless hard herb garnishes. They’re seen far too often and add little to nothing to the presentation, and less than nothing to the experience of eating. At best they’re ignored, and at worst they’re absent-mindedly popped into the mouth of a distracted guest blindly feeling for a cracker whilst enthralled by tabletop conversation.
The board
The alter on which you shall worship. Simply, a beautifully crafted chopping board will do – this one, perhaps? The reasoning being that anything other than a wooden cheese board (a silver tray, marble slab, or glass board) will damage your knives when cutting into the cheeses.
The booze (or not)
Wine is of course traditional, and choosing the best wine for a cheese board is simple: white, bright, unoaked, and dry. The zesty acidity of a Picpoul de Pinet will cut marvellously through rich, creamy cheeses and compliment the tangier of sides. Macon-Villages and other minerally Chardonnays also pair wonderfully with their balanced acidity and crisp, refreshing character. Sparkling whites are a great choice, too.
If going red, go young and go light: Beaujolais, Barbera, Pinot Noir. If your board is the final course after a long meal and you’re curious to see whether cheese before bed really does give you nightmares, serve with a sherry, cognac, or even a Fernet.
Finally, for those not wanting alcohol, opt for lighter and sharper softs like a kombucha or elderflower pressé.
To conclude
All that remains is to wish you good luck, and to give this writer a self-congratulatory pat on the back for making it through the entire article without a childish pun. Truly, when it comes to measuring one’s maturity, no test is grater.